right now i am going through so many changes. i have so many thing pulling me in 20 different directions. i failed my first test of the semester to start off the day and then got my first paper back of the semester with a nice 65% slapped on it, and all i can think is where have i gone? and where am i going? i am the 3.7 gpa college girl who would rather work and study her weekend away then go to a club or party with some friends. i’m the smart girl, who apparently has lost her self. when getting to college a year and a half ago i started over, like most adolescents do and it was a start for the better, partially. i got great grades and learned how to balance my time beter, got my first real job, made great friends, got my heartbroken, and then piece by piece am getting it put back together again with the new love of my life. but lately, all i have been feeling is scared. scared of what’s next, which i suppose is typical for a young college student. but i just dont know anymore. im falling in love and starting my new life just like i dreamed and somehow it still tastes unsatisfying. like i am never going to live up to my own expectations. and today i just dont know what to do. to add some more shit to the list i am trying to lose weight, just like every girl in college, but it is so difficult when you have a great looking best friend/ roommate who says shes fat, when i’m over here weighing 40 lbs more than her. so i’m stressed out and can’t eat what i want or drink what i want. now don’t get me wrong looking good and losing weight are dreams i’ve had for awhile, but in reality will it ever be good enough? will girls and people in general be happy with themselves? as individuals we always find something wrong with us, something that we wish we were but know we never can really acheive, because that whole “if you put your mind to it” bullshit never really works. it is an aggravating cycle that makes me want to scream, well plus the above issues i already have complained about. i just want to stop being scared of not being enough, and stop being scared of what comes next or what i am doing with my life.
i have another tumblr account, but wanted something where i can write instead, something where i can write and not have to worry about people i know or care about seeing this because quite frankly i just need my own space. and since today has been a pretty shitty day, i decided today is the day for something new. something i can call all mine and say whatever i want and have no consequences. something that will set me free from everything inside of me screaming at me. now if you end up reading this and for some reason interested in this life of mine, then i’ll tell you write now that this is not going to be a perfect blog, it’s not about what’s hip or cool or cute or funny, although sometimes it may be, it’s just about me. also i am not a good writer and have terrible grammar so don’t expect much out of my posts as well. this is just my safe place. my happy place i’d like to think of it. so here’s to something new.
